A FAIRYTAIL..PART2

BARBARA SMITH

tella was on her way to the kitchen when Buster's excited barking drew her to the conservatory. She smiled when she saw the tiny figure outside the glass door. Since matitig Henry ten months ago, she had become very fond of Mildred, the fairy' who lived in his huge garden

She and Henry' had only been seeing each other for a few weeks when he introduced her to the outrageous little hellion and explained how important she had been in getting them together.

At first Stella had not believed her eyes As an adult she had never actually considered the existence of such beings, but even if she had, this one was very different to the popular conception.

In the stories from her childhood fairies were meek, fragile creatures, draped in gossamer lace. The diminutive spitfire encased in shocking pink Lurex and screaming obscenities at a large black bird was far removed from her childhood fantasies.

Despite her initial feelings she had come to like and admire Mildred. There was no pretence about the fairy what you saw was what you got, an outrageous personality, who was a tyrant to her enemies and fiercely loyal to her friends.

This morning Mildred was attired in her usual mishmash of colours. A sunshine yellow blouse was paired with a scarlet miniskirt, that was so brief it could easily have been mistaken for a broad belt. Her footwear was the only consistency in Mildred's wardrobe, she wouldn't be seen dead without her silver stilettos.

Stella slid back the door and smiled a welcome as the fairy tottered in. As she turned a small hand was thrust towards her.

"Da daa," sang Mildred pointing to the large cluster ring adorning her finger. Oh how lovely!" exclaimed Stella as she examined the ring. My goodness that was quick." Mildred's grin became even broader.

"And it's going to get quicker, we're getting married on Saturday. You and Henry are invited of course. And you too Buster," she said to the terrier, who was standing on his hind legs, sniffing inquisitively at her hand.

Buster was Stella's dog and as with all Jack Russell's could be quite aggressive at times, but he and Mildred had hit it off from the start. Stella smiled as she watched the two of them, with the dog stood on two legs the pair of them were almost the same height.

"You're my little mate, aren't you?" Mildred cooed as the dog licked her nose. "And I'll need your help to clear the place of those sodding crows, bloody vermin" The stumpy little tail wagged ferociously.

Stella's face fell at die words. If there was one problem with Mildred, it was her unreasonable vendetta against the birds. But what was worse was that the dog had come to share her attitude, If he saw die slightest flint of anything black lurking in the garden, he would change from a friendly mutt into a snarling little demon. Henry would have to have a word with the fairy.

Saturday dawned hot and sunny. Not a hint of a cloud marred the pure azure of the sky as Stella, Henry and Buster made their way through the lush garden surrounding the house. The sound of voices and laughter drifted towards them from behind a small stand of trees at the garden's edge. As they rounded the shrubs they stopped and stared in amazement. The small clearing virtually teemed with fairies and elves.

"Yoo-hoo! Henry, Stella, over here." It was Mildred, clad in. a silver sequinned number that was obviously her wedding dress.

The shimmering gown clung to her body like a second skin. Her black corkscrew curls had been swept up to the top of her head and caught in an ornate clasp. The sun's rays highlighted the translucent delicacy of her wings and for once, even the inevitable stilettos matched the outfit. She looked radiant.

"This is my mum Mabel." She gestured to a rotund figure at her side. Stella immediately realised where Mildred had inherited her unusual dress sense. The woman's voluptuous flesh was squeezed into a bright yellow sundress that was dotted with giant purple daisies. A large brimmed hat perched precariously on top of her frizzy black hair.

"And this is my gran Jasmine."

Stella had to resist the urge to burst out laughing. The woman was about as far from a Jasmine as you could get. Two piggy little eyes stared out from the wrinkled crone's face. All of her teeth were obviously absent and she made constant chewing motions that resulted in her bottom lip repeatedly striking against die base of her nose with a wet slapping sound. The shapeless black dress and matching veiled hat seemed more in keeping with a funeral than a wedding.

That's my dad over there, taking care of the liquid refreshment." They turned in the direction of her pointing finger. Under one of the trees, a jolly faced elf poured lager from a can into his upturned month. The buttons of his brown waistcoat strained against the mound of his stomach. He drained the last drop of liquor₇ then burst into impromptu song.

"We'll keep a welcome in the hillside," he bellowed in an off key tenor. Two more elves, sitting by the base of the tree, staggered to their feet and took up the chorus. Mildred rolled her eyes and sighed

Behind the group, plastic picnic tables had been pushed together and were laden with food. Buns of every variety were piled into huge mounds and filled the spaces between bowls of trifle, jelly and blancmange. Obviously, savouries were not part of the fairy diet.

"Form up, form Up," cried an authoritative voice Most of the guest began to organise themselves into a huge ring, dragging Henry and Stella with them. Inside this circle two lines of nine people formed up At one end Mildred stood facing Mabel, while at the other end Norman faced his own mother. The guests began to chant in unison.

"In the fairy ring, where fairies sing,

It's time for marrying and mating

At the top of the line, where sunbeams shine,

Norman's bride is waiting.

On the magic ground, where elves abound

It's time for wedding and bedding.

One step at a time, along the line

Mildred's groom is treading.

As the chanting continued, the people in the lines swapped places diagonally until

Norman and Mable faced across from Mildred and Norman's mother.

When this had been achieved, the rest of the lines joined the circle, leaving the four still standing in the middle.

Buster sat quietly in the circle, cocking his head this way and that as he tried to make sense of what was going on.

An ancient little gnome carrying what appeared to be a cobweb encased in a frame approached the wedding party

"Mildred, if you take on Norman, will you be good to him? Will you not give him too much housework to do? And will you only thump him if he really needs it?

"I will,"said the fairy loudly. "She will," echoed Mabel

"Norman, if Mildred takes you on, will you do your chores properly? Not answer back? And do what she tells you? Norman's 'I will', was almost inaudible. "

He will," Norman's mother shouted.

"You swear all this on the sacred web," said the gnome, the frame held above his head.

" Sworn!'^t chorused the four

"Right, that's it then. Give him a kiss and you're wed."

Mildred grabbed the red faced Norman and bent him backwards in a passionate kiss.

Sitting beside Stella, Buster gave a low growl. She looked at him in puzzlement.

His small body was filled with tension, his ears were pricked and he was staring intently at the wedding party. As she turned her gaze to see what had disturb him, she caught a flash of black.

There was a loud squawk from Mabel, as the crow connected with her hat and sent it spinning into the trees. Mildred looked up from Norman, who was bent almost double in her embrace. The crow was turning in mid-flight, readying for a repeat attack.

"Bastard!" she screamed, dropping the unfortunate Norman, who landed on the ground with a thump. Four more crows had joined the first and were closing in, in a sort of delta winged formation.

Mildred ran to the buffet table and grabbing an armload of buns began hurling them at the attacking birds. More crows were emerging all around the clearing and the guests were beginning to mill around in sudden panic.

"Mildred, please. I'm sure we can settle this in a peaceful manner," implored Henry, moving towards the fairy. Granny had joined her in the bun throwing, her hideous lip smacking against her nose with every successful launch.

"This is silly," Henry tried again. As he spoke, two of the crows swooped low over the table and rose with a large bowl of trifle balanced precariously in their talons. Stella held her breath as they soared over Henry and released their payload.

The large plastic bowl turned in mid- air, emptying its contents directly on to him As the custard and jelly spread over his face and shoulders, the upturned bowl settled on his head like an antiquated helmet.

For a moment there was silence. Even Mildred was dumbstruck as the sloppy mishmash ran sluggishly over his features. He wiped away a large blob of cream that hung from his glasses

"Right! They are dead," said Henry dangerously and began throwing whatever came to hand at the attackers.

Buster was in frenzy, almost foaming at the mouth as he lunged at the marauding birds. He spotted one swooping behind the centre group and made a huge leap onto the tabletop. His claws could find no purchase on the smooth surface and he slithered inexorably towards a large bowl of pink blancmange. His front legs hitting the side of the dish halted his slide, but momentum carried him forward, headfirst into the sticky mound.

He was out in an instant, shaking himself vigorously. There were squeals of dismay as huge globs of pink goo splattered the assembly.

A whimpering Norman edged away from the group and began to creep towards the relative safety of the trees.

"NORMAN, YOU LITTLE SCROT, COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT LIKE

AN ELF!"

The loud bellow belied Mildred's size. The hapless gnome seemed on the verge of tears, turning his head from side to side in an agony of indecision. Fear of his wife finally won out and scuttled back to hide behind her.

The birds had managed to catapult most of the containers from the table, spilling the contents over the grass and turning the clearing into a quagmire.

Mildred's father staggered from behind a tree, beer can stilt in hand. Seemingly oblivious to what was happening, he burst into song. A kamikaze crow broke away from the main group and dive-bombed towards him, striking him squarely in the chest. He tottered back

against the trunk of the tree and slithered to the ground, an idiotic grin on his chubby face In an instant, his chin fell forward onto his chest and he began to snore loudly.

Most of the guests had retreated into the trees and only Mildred's small group still fought on. The fairy's hair clasp had come loose, releasing the hair on one side of her head and giving her a slightly demented look.

Stella was looking for Henry. She spotted him emerging from the trees carrying the hosepipe that was connected to the old summerhouse. He hurried over to the group waving the nozzle triumphantly.

"This will fix them," said henry' gleefully.

Custer's last stand thought Stella as she gazed at the bedraggled group.

Take that, you wankers," screamed Mildred, as the powerful jet of water decimated a group of oncoming birds.

One of the crows fell to the ground and slued around in the mess, trying to regain its balance. Mildred ran towards it with a murderous look in her eyes. Her foot slipped on the soggy remains of: a bun and her legs flew from beneath her. There was a loud ripping sound as her dress gave way under the extra strain, splitting the entire length of the seam. One of her stilettos flew through tile air and clanked off Henry's helmet. The bird regained its composure and took to the air.

"Shithead!" yelled Mildred as she kicked her legs in frustration, revealing scarlet lace knickers. Henry₅ his face a mask of childish glee sprayed the water indiscriminately around the trees, bringing shocked squeals from the guests sheltering beneath.

Stella, shaking her head at the fiasco before her, decided enough was enough and retreated to the house and sanity.

Most of the debris had been cleaned up when Stella visited the clearing later in the week. There was no sign of Mildred who had kept a low profile since the wedding.

Most probably she was in the old summerhouse, instructing Norman in his new duties. Stella turned back towards the house. She had cooked a special dinner for Henry, the two of them needed to talk.

She heard his car just as the roast came out of the oven. He breezed into the kitchen carrying a large cardboard box and planted a brief kiss on her cheek.

"What's that?" she asked gesturing towards the box.

^"Aha" he said mysteriously. This is the latest secret weapon." Stella frowned, his work at the base was top secret, he never discussed it with her.

She watched dubiously as he reached inside and drew out what looked like her idea of a UFO. She stared at the object in fascination

"What does it do?

"What it does, is hover above the trees until it locks on to a target, then it releases a miniature missile. Mildred will love it." She realised immediately that he was talking about the crows.

"Oh Henry. I thought we agreed that Mildred's vendetta was stupid and childish."

"Well," he refused to meet her eyes. "After last Saturday, maybe she has a point. Look, can dinner wait for ten minutes? I can't wait to show her this."

He was gone before she could reply.

She went to the conservatory and watched him hurrying through the garden He looked like an overgrown six-year-old heading for mischief She thought about a conversation she had had with Henry⁴s mother about what a studious little boy he had been.

"Henry never bad a childhood," she had said. "But there again_, Henry was never a child. He was a middle-aged mathematician when he came into this world. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he told me that he had managed to calculate the flow rate while I was breast-feeding him."

Henry was disappearing behind the trees. Maybe we all have to have a childhood at some point, thought Stella. Maybe Henry's was just beginning. She smiled and ran her hand lightly over tier stomach. Later they would have that talk and then she could tell him about his new playmate.

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